Life Before Kids

My favorite parenting question is: "Ohhhhh, do you even remember life before kids?"

Yes.

Fuck yes.

Very fondly.

Who are these people kidding? They are going to sit there and tell me that they don't remember the days when they talked to their partner about something other than whether the baby shit today or not?  And speaking of shit, they can't remember when they use to be able to take a shit alone? That they can't remember sleeping in and eating lunch in bed? They can't remember a random mid-afternoon make-out session on a lazy Sunday? Or when they actually got to go out and eat sushi and not just talk about eating sushi?

After 3 1/2 years of pondering this stupid question I have come to the conclusion that these people- the "I don't remember life before kids" people never a had a life to begin with and that is why they can't remember it. I, for one, had a life. A great one. I remember going over to my girlfriend's house weekly and drinking the BIG bottles of wine. I remember meeting our friends for happy hour. I remember not having to run to the grocery store at night because we are out of milk. I remember shopping all day Saturday. I remember being able to work late with no guilt.  And, I remember when my stomach didn't look like a feral cat boxing match happened on it. Oh, I remember...

I love my kids and my new life. With that said, having kids didn't cause brain damage resulting in a memory lapse of my kid-free life. Get real, people. Life can be good then and now....as long as there are still BIG bottles of wine to be had.

Vegetable = Crazy Mom

Sloan, my 3 1/2 year old, was suppose to bring a vegetable to school today because they were going to make soup together as a class. Sounds so simple...

First off, I of course forgot about it until the night before. And, we had been traveling the entire week  so I wasn't stocked up on my normal produce. I didn't have a veggie to spare. Limp Romaine, anyone? I think not. So, I simply needed to pick a vegetable to bring and bring it. That is when picking a vegetable became a big decision.

You could bring canned or fresh. Canned? Oh please, I wasn't going to let anyone think I used canned vegetables. THAT is ridiculous. Tomato? No, too small and lame. Zucchini? No, everyone will bring zucchini. Mushrooms? No, most kids hate mushrooms, she can't be that kid that brought mushrooms. Spinach? Okay, now we are talking. Spinach is full of nutrients and goes great in soups. No one else will bring it. And above all, it will make my precious Sloan look like she comes from a house that having  well balanced diet is of the utmost importance. Spinach it is.

WHAT THE FUCK. Did I really just waste my brain power, strategic thinking, marketing skills and time on picking a vegetable for my 3 1/2 year old to bring to school? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I mean, I'm really not that type of mom... or am I?

Needless to say, bringing a vegetable to school made me realize I am fucking crazy. I am turning into a Helicopter Mom. Oh, hell no. Hell no! I will not be one. I refuse. I re-fucking-use. Lesson learned.

Next time I have to bring a vegetable to school it is store-brand, canned cauliflower!!!

Ha! That will show them! That will show... me?  Fuck, I'm still over thinking it.

We will skip school that day.