Sunday, December 22, 2013

My New Years Resolution for every kind of Mom...

So, being that I am one of the few Mom's of right mind, I thought I would be generous with my blessing and help a few of you Moms out there with your New Year's Resolution. You are welcome.... that I am such an ass hole.

New Year's Resolution for 'The Double Standard Mom': To just stop talking. All fucking together- stop talking. Whatever you say, you contradict yourself. You speak about your healthy lifestyle then rave about Chick Fil A Sauce. You bitch about being broke and buy a new car. You speak about your religious ways then brag about getting shit faced. This last one really irks me cause you are making my peeps look bad. Yeah, you make your religion look bad but you're making drunks look bad and I have a real problem with that. And, you constantly speak your mind with your stupid, ignorant opinions but don't allow the same freedom for other morons to speak their stupid, ignorant opinions. So, again...just stop talking.

New Year's Resolution for 'The Yoga Pant Wearing Mom': To stop wearing fucking yoga pants. Okay, I get it, you occasionally run by the store on your way home from the gym. (I don't really get it- but I'll let it slide, cause deep down I'm nice, remember?) But why do you wear them, not only ALL day today, but ALL day EVERY day? Surely you have 20 minutes, 40 if you're super ugly, to get a little put together and change clothes. I mean, for the love of all things stretchy... Leggings are in style right now!! It's one of the easiest, laziest fashion trends there is! All you have to do is take off your yoga pants & tank and put on leggings & a top. Basically the same thing but one big difference- One is acceptable and one is not.

New Year's Resolution for 'The  Easily Offended Mom': To remove the stick from your ass. Yeah, You. Do not take everything so seriously and personally. Life, wait for it... can be fun. What a full time whip of a job getting upset and offended at every little thing. Miley Cyrus did not wreck that ball to get a rise out of you personally. And's roll out wasn't a cluster fuck just so you would have a headache researching health insurance.  And please, PLEASE, de-friend me or un-follow me and stop reading my shit. That way you won't even know that I wrote something offensive.  I'm sure you will sleep better at night, I know I will... not give shit either way cause I don't get offended.

New Year's Resolution for 'The I'm Selling Shit on Facebook Mom': Try to keep your daily posts about your product to 10 max. Past 10 daily posts people get annoyed. Oh, shit! Did i just type 10? I meant after the 1st one people got annoyed. The very first one- EVER. Not the first one today, the first one EVER. No one cares. Start a blog. Send out emails. Postcards. Write it in the sky. We are too busy judging people's kids to buy things on Facebook. And, no doubt, I am sure that I would be healthier, have better skin, be thinner and better bedazzled if I bought from you* but I take a higher reward in hiding you on Facebook- quickly.   But, good for you for getting out there and working! You go, girl! (*There are a select few, actually just one I can think of, that sell with class. I'm happy to name her if you ask.)

New Year's Resolution for 'The Woe is me Mom': Get over it. I am sorry your kid got sick and that got your other kid sick and that neither are napping because the neighbor is mowing and you are having a migraine episode! Or that, you got the bad nail tech at the salon and you had to park around the back since it was crowded.  Shit happens. It happens daily.* Get over it. You know why the reason shit keeps happening to you is cause you keep talking about shit happening to you. Think positive, trick. *side note- actual really important shit happens daily- try reading the news if you are ever feeling down.

New Year's Resolution for 'The I Have No Life Outside My Kids Mom': Get a life. Obviously the majority of my life centers around my family, namely my children, but breaking news- you should do other things besides parent. Get out there. Have a conversation with someone whose age is in the double digits. Plan something that doesn't require you to pack snacks. Enjoy yourself. If you are super ambitious you could even try to enjoy your husband.

New Year's Resolution for 'The Overly Crass, Cussing Offensive Mom':  Keep truckin', Hooks*! (*That's short for Hooker.)

I wish everyone a VERY Happy New Year full of fun!

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