Friday, January 24, 2014

Mommy, Mama, MOMMY!

Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Mommy. Mama. Mama. Mommy, Mama. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Mama. Mommmmmy. Mommmmmmmmmy. Mama. Mama. Mommy, Mommy. Mommy, Mama, MOMMY, MOMMY, Mommy, Mommy. Mama. Mommy. Mommmmmy. Mommy!! Mommy! Mommy. Mama. Mama. Mommy. Mama. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Mommy. Mama. Mama. Mommy, Mama. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. MOMMY, Mama. Mommmmmy. Mommmmmmmmmy. Mama. Mama. Mommy, Mommy. Mommy, Mama, Mommy, Mommy. Mama. Mommy. Mommmmmy. Mommy!! Mommy! Mommy. Mama. Mama. Mommy. Mama. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Mommy.

For all you moms out there without children who are talking... I know you are anxiously waiting for your little one to utter 'Mama' for the first time. And it will, then, sound so sweet. It will be a moment, a moment you remember for the rest of your life. It might even bring tears to your eyes.  It can be tough waiting for this special moment but you see,  kids are delayed in their understanding and interpreting of your heart's desire.

You yearn for it so bad and they do nothing, for what seems like forever. But, Alas! They say it! They say "Mama". What a beautiful moment, milestone and memory!!  But then.... one day they internally get all of your longed passed desires at once and they then, spend the rest of their lives making up for the short period of their lives when they couldn't appease you with your biggest heart's desire- to hear the word Mommy. And they say it forever. Over and over. Forever. All day. Every day. For everything. For the rest of your life.

So... be careful what you wish for, Mommy.

Hold on, I think I hear something....

"Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Mommy. Mama. Mama. Mommy, Mama. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Mama. Mommmmmy. Mommmmmmmmmy. Mama. Mama. Mommy, Mommy. Mommy, Mama, Mommy, Mommy. Mama. Mommy. Mommmmmy. Mommy!! Mommy! Mommy. Mama. Mama. Mommy. Mama. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Mommy. Mama. Mama. Mommy, Mama. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Mama. Mommmmmy.MOMMY, Mommmmmmmmmy. Mama. Mama. Mommy, Mommy. Mommy, Mama, Mommy, Mommy. Mama. Mommy. Mommmmmy. Mommy!! Mommy! Mommy. Mama. Mama. Mommy. Mama. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Mommy."

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Want to save Money and Lose weight?!?!?

There are SOOOOO many diet/health/natural/bullshit ways to "get in-shape, save money and lose weight!!"

I know, I have given these people a hard time for insistently using social media to sell their product and/or ideas but now I see the light... I too have figured out the best way to loose weight and get money!

Here you go, it is only a 1 Step Process:

1. Stop buying as much food.

Once you start buying less food, you will save money. And because you have bought less food you will eat less food and lose weight.  And there you go. Please mail me a $20 check for my advice.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I mean, I am not kidding that it will work because it will, but you already know that it would work. It's just very hard to do.  That is why I will share with you the REAL secret to easily losing weight.... are you ready? Are you sure you can handle this mind blowing tip?!?!?!?? Okay.... here it goes:


It is simple: Drink red wine? Switch to vodka. Drink Beer? Switch to vodka.  Drink Mike's Hard Lemonade? Go away. Drink Margaritas? Switch to vodka. Eat oatmeal in the morning? Mix it with Vodka.

Make Vodka your go to and I promise you will see weight loss results. You might also lose your job, friends and family. But who cares!! You'll be thinner! I mean, that is all that matters in the world.

In vodka we trust.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

My New Years Resolution for every kind of Mom...

So, being that I am one of the few Mom's of right mind, I thought I would be generous with my blessing and help a few of you Moms out there with your New Year's Resolution. You are welcome.... that I am such an ass hole.

New Year's Resolution for 'The Double Standard Mom': To just stop talking. All fucking together- stop talking. Whatever you say, you contradict yourself. You speak about your healthy lifestyle then rave about Chick Fil A Sauce. You bitch about being broke and buy a new car. You speak about your religious ways then brag about getting shit faced. This last one really irks me cause you are making my peeps look bad. Yeah, you make your religion look bad but you're making drunks look bad and I have a real problem with that. And, you constantly speak your mind with your stupid, ignorant opinions but don't allow the same freedom for other morons to speak their stupid, ignorant opinions. So, again...just stop talking.

New Year's Resolution for 'The Yoga Pant Wearing Mom': To stop wearing fucking yoga pants. Okay, I get it, you occasionally run by the store on your way home from the gym. (I don't really get it- but I'll let it slide, cause deep down I'm nice, remember?) But why do you wear them, not only ALL day today, but ALL day EVERY day? Surely you have 20 minutes, 40 if you're super ugly, to get a little put together and change clothes. I mean, for the love of all things stretchy... Leggings are in style right now!! It's one of the easiest, laziest fashion trends there is! All you have to do is take off your yoga pants & tank and put on leggings & a top. Basically the same thing but one big difference- One is acceptable and one is not.

New Year's Resolution for 'The  Easily Offended Mom': To remove the stick from your ass. Yeah, You. Do not take everything so seriously and personally. Life, wait for it... can be fun. What a full time whip of a job getting upset and offended at every little thing. Miley Cyrus did not wreck that ball to get a rise out of you personally. And's roll out wasn't a cluster fuck just so you would have a headache researching health insurance.  And please, PLEASE, de-friend me or un-follow me and stop reading my shit. That way you won't even know that I wrote something offensive.  I'm sure you will sleep better at night, I know I will... not give shit either way cause I don't get offended.

New Year's Resolution for 'The I'm Selling Shit on Facebook Mom': Try to keep your daily posts about your product to 10 max. Past 10 daily posts people get annoyed. Oh, shit! Did i just type 10? I meant after the 1st one people got annoyed. The very first one- EVER. Not the first one today, the first one EVER. No one cares. Start a blog. Send out emails. Postcards. Write it in the sky. We are too busy judging people's kids to buy things on Facebook. And, no doubt, I am sure that I would be healthier, have better skin, be thinner and better bedazzled if I bought from you* but I take a higher reward in hiding you on Facebook- quickly.   But, good for you for getting out there and working! You go, girl! (*There are a select few, actually just one I can think of, that sell with class. I'm happy to name her if you ask.)

New Year's Resolution for 'The Woe is me Mom': Get over it. I am sorry your kid got sick and that got your other kid sick and that neither are napping because the neighbor is mowing and you are having a migraine episode! Or that, you got the bad nail tech at the salon and you had to park around the back since it was crowded.  Shit happens. It happens daily.* Get over it. You know why the reason shit keeps happening to you is cause you keep talking about shit happening to you. Think positive, trick. *side note- actual really important shit happens daily- try reading the news if you are ever feeling down.

New Year's Resolution for 'The I Have No Life Outside My Kids Mom': Get a life. Obviously the majority of my life centers around my family, namely my children, but breaking news- you should do other things besides parent. Get out there. Have a conversation with someone whose age is in the double digits. Plan something that doesn't require you to pack snacks. Enjoy yourself. If you are super ambitious you could even try to enjoy your husband.

New Year's Resolution for 'The Overly Crass, Cussing Offensive Mom':  Keep truckin', Hooks*! (*That's short for Hooker.)

I wish everyone a VERY Happy New Year full of fun!

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Fa La La La La....

... La La La La.

Wishing everyone a VERY Happy Holiday Season. I hope everyone celebrates what they want to celebrate with the ones they want to celebrate it with! 

And most importantly, I hope everyone is happy, kind and tolerant this season.

Here's a picture of Christmas' Past to celebrate the season...

Our Christmas Family Tradition, a Funny Face Picture.... our other tradition is Bloody Mary's. But not in that order, normally it is Bloody Mary's then Funny Face Picture. I'm pretty sure I had already had 3 Blood Mary's by the time this picture was taken. 
And, Sweet Stache, Dad.

Future Vanna White Showmanship right here.

Happy Holidays, you Motherfodders!

Friday, December 20, 2013

"She's so nice!"

So, I oddly, often think about the phrase "She's so nice!"  You hear it ALL the time. When there is a new Mom in your Mom's Club that you haven't met yet another member is telling you about her and she says "She's so nice!".  Or, one of your husband's friends has a new girlfriend, someone says "She's so nice!"

Nice. Ehhh. We had a saying when we were in our early 20's- "Nice only gets you so far." Not because we, AT ALL, condone being mean but to be described as just nice? How boring. And deep down inside I, too, am nice. But... nice? Is that how you want to be described?

I often think, there is no way that this sentence is said about me to a stranger that hasn't met me. No fucking way.  You get one sentence to describe me, it surely isn't going to be "She's so nice!" I would hope it is something like "She is literally the funniest person I have ever met" or "I wish I would be reincarnated as her!" But most likely it something like "She's got a mouth on her" or "She makes me really uncomfortable" or "I've never seen an eyebrow stay cocked for so long". But, nice? Highly doubtful. At least, I hope not.  I  like to hide the fact that I am actually nice- I save that for me true friends who have suffered through the crass, crude, honest, sarcastic decades of me.

I think, overall, I am pretty safe not falling into this category- this horrific category.  I am nice to people but I don't think, nor do I want, that to be my lasting impression. And, I don't think it typically is. This weekend  a good friend introduces me to someone and says "He can go toes to toes with you." I think, sweet, this guy can go toes to toes with me! Bring it on.  So, I was very shocked when this guy was beyond caught of guard and extremely uncomfortable at my first vagina joke. My first, not my third, my first. What a pussy.

So, it looks like I can steer clear of the "She's so Nice!" category, one vagina joke at a time.


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

A True Love Story: The Covingtons

We went to Galveston with the fam for Thanksgiving this year and it reminded me of how Cov and I got together...

My husband, Cov and I have known each other for years. We went to high school together.  When we tell strangers or new friends they all say, "Ahhh, that is so sweet!!!"  It was anything but sweet. I can't have "sweet" ruining my hard core image. Here is our unsweetened story.

We met in High School. "Ahhhhh!!!" Shut it. We ran in the same circle. I had a massive crush on him for a while but he was ALWAYS dating someone else. He was a serial dater- was until the we started dating. Shit, maybe he still is.

However, we managed to be "friends with benefits" from about 1997- 2007. On and off, of course. We lived in different cities, went to different schools, were in relationships, started our careers, etc. Some how through all of that we always found a (drunken) way to each other*. Consistency people, consistency. (*I remain my innocence of not knowing he was ever in a relationship at the time. times. multiple times.)

Then it was October of 2007 and we had driven down to Galveston, TX together for a friend's wedding. We got into town late and were waiting for our friends to wrap it up at an event. We did what anyone would do...drink.  We were sitting on the beach with a case of beer and a bottle of cheap tequila when I said "Why haven't we ever actually tried to date?"  (We had never dated or tried to date in the ten plus years of our history.) And to this day, Cov said the only sweet thing he has ever said "Cause we are afraid it might work."  Vomm.

We laughed it off, met up with our friends and told them our new plan to try dating. Everyone shrugged it off, I mean, it was Shelby & Cov. It made no sense and so much sense all at the same time.

So, we tried. It worked. 6 years later we are still together.

Damn you, cheap tequila.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Blog moving to Austin

I am a little overwhelmed with the overnight success of motherfodders.

I just started this blog and it is taking of like wild-fucking-fire. So, we have made a family decision that we should move to Austin for my blog.

I  know it seems a little crazy. But just like a plant needs the right environment to grow in so does a parenting blog. I feel like I will be able to be more free with my thoughts and words in Austin. It is a more liberal city that is in line with the philosophy behind motherfodders.

Austin will give me the freedom to write what I want to write about parenting, marriage, politics and religion. A freedom that Houston can not give me.

Austin will help guide motherfodders to new found glory. Austin will make motherfodders soar to heights once unattainable. Austin... is calling motherfodders home.

That, and we officially decided to move to Austin for my husband's job.

ATX here we, and motherfodders, come!*

*Spring/Summer of 2014